This is one of the trickiest parts of learning Japanese. Many learners get stuck here and find it hard to move forward. I’ll try to explain how to use them as simply as possible.
• あげる → to give
• くれる → to give (to me / to someone in my in-group)
• もらう → to receive
1) 山田さん → ワンさん
ワンさんは山田さんにチョコレートをもらいます。
Wang-san receives a chocolate from Yamada-san.
山田さんはワンさんにチョコレートをあげます。
Yamada-san gives Wang-san a chocolate.
Easy peasy, right? Let’s move on.
2) 山田さん → 私
私は山田さんにチョコレートをもらいます。
I receive a chocolate from Yamada-san.
山田さんは私にチョコレートをあげます。 ❌
山田さんは私にチョコレートをくれます。 ⭕️
Yamada-san gives me a chocolate.
Here, since I (the speaker) am the receiver, we must use くれる, not あげる.
くれる implies the action is directed toward the speaker, often with a nuance of appreciation.
Are you still with me? Good! Let’s go on.
3) 山田さん → 私の弟
わたしの弟は山田さんにチョコレートをもらいます。
My younger brother receives a chocolate from Yamada-san.
山田さんはわたしの弟にチョコレートをあげます。 ❌
山田さんはわたしの弟にチョコレートをくれます。 ⭕️
Yamada-san gives my younger brother a chocolate.
Here, my younger brother is considered part of “uchi” (my in-group), so we use くれる instead of あげる.
Uchi and Soto: In-group and Out-group
This is a unique concept in Japanese. There is a strong boundary between uchi (inside) and soto (outside). From your perspective, your family, friends, and colleagues are considered uchi, while others are soto.
This concept becomes especially important—and complicated—when using keigo (honorific Japanese). But for now, let’s keep it simple.
4) 山田さん → 田中さん
山田さんは田中さんにチョコレートをあげます。
Yamada-san gives Tanaka-san a chocolate.
山田さんは田中さんにチョコレートをくれます。
Yamada-san gives Tanaka-san a chocolate.
The second sentence implies that Tanaka-san belongs to the speaker’s in-group (uchi).
Another N4 grammar →different between 閉まる and 閉める